In the spirit of Microsoft and Mindcraft's Windows NT vs Linux tests, I feel I need to put across my own benchmark test.

I have three computers. The first is a Pentium 90, with 32 megs of RAM, and a 1.2 gig hard drive. It has been configured with Red Hat Linux 5.2 running the Apache webserver.

The second is an Quad Pentium III 550 Mhz, 256 megs PC-100 SDRAM. It has a 24 gig hard drive. It has been configured to run Windows NT 4.0 with ISS 4.0.

The third is a vintage 1983 Commodore VIC-20, 1 Mhz 6502, 5K Ram, 170 Kb cassette drive. It has been configured to run "Blue Meanies from Outer Space".

I took these three computers, complete with monitors, and set them side by side. Performing the timing was my good friend, Professor Bob. He used a Timex Decathlon watch for accurate and precise timing of the three computers.

All three computers sit, eagerly anticipating the test. Power to each computer is 120VAC, precise through an award-winning UPS system. The same system is used for all three computers.

At the signal from Professor Bob, the power switch of all three computers is pressed. Each runs through its power-on sequence. Both NT and Linux go into their respective windowing interfaces, and the web servers are loaded automatically.

I have a little trouble finding the right spot on the cassette tape to load Blue Meanies for the VIC, but soon it was running its own program on the screen.

All three computers are now powered-up, and humming away nicely. Professor Bob has reset his watch, and has his finger poised on the start button.

I give the signal. Bob presses the start button.

I pull the plug on all three computers simultaneously. Their screens wink out. I and two other volunteers grab each computer and rush out to the parking-lot. The Linux machine is put into a Ford Explorer. The VIC-20 is put into a Dodge Viper. The Windows NT machine is put onto the rear rack of Jim's 10-speed.

The three computers are put through their paces on an identical course. The VIC-20 is the easy leader, with a time of 5 minutes. The Linux box comes in second with a time of 12 minutes, despite a shortcut through City Park at the expense of two squirrels and a flock of Canadian Geese.

We're still waiting for the Windows NT box. The police tell us he has to be gone for a couple more hours before we can file a missing-person report.

Well, there you have it. With Microsoft targeting Linux so much, they had completely missed their real threat :

The Commodore VIC-20!!!

I'm sorry, but your test has several flaws:

1. The fuel of your transport vehicles isn't identical: 2 vehicles run on gasoline and 1 on steaks (rare, medium or well-done?)

2. "Blue meanies" are known to be optimized to run with the Dodge Viper. None of the other 2 OSs are optimized for their respective vehicles.

3. Professor Bob is unavailable for independent testers.

4. Linux only coming in second might be a result of the Ford Explorer taking the outer lane in the curves, leaving the inner lane to the Dodge Viper.

5. You are a true "Blue Meanies" expert, and your excessive tweaking of "Blue Meanies" (fiddling with the cassette drive) compared with your lack of tweaking of other storage facilities will bias the test.

On behalf of the entire Linux community, I therefore cry foul. You are hereby sentenced to 2 months without 'Blue Meanies'. During that time you will have to run several applications simultaneously on a Windows 95 machine - with the 'Ctrl', 'Alt', and 'Del' buttons removed!

That'll teach ya!